Well its 2012! Holy moly!!! I cant believe it....its so weird I still remember waiting for y2k to happen lol! Tonight I realized that this year I am going to be 25. 25! Now that might not seem to old for some of you but I feel old. I do. I am planning on getting married this year and if you read my other blogs u know why this could be a touchy issue for me. Recap my family hates my fiancee and i am freaking out about being married. I think I had to come to terms with that myself. Being married is kinda scary. I know deep in my heart i love rob so much and it wouldn't change a thing but lately i feel like running the opposite direction. My dad told me I run from things. Am I trying to run from this too? This where it brings me to my title.
I am grown up but I cant help wanting to be a little kid again. I remember playing in my backyard on the swing set. Always loved the basket swing, ya know the one that was like a chair and 4 people could sit on it.
Anyway, my friends and I used to try and go so high! We thought we could reach the sky if we got any higher. It was such a great feeling that now I feel like I took for granted. I want to be that little girl back on that swing. I want to be 5 yr old Mary who was convinced she was an indian princess because her dog looked like a wolf. LOL!
Those days when we looked for salamanders and earth worms. Where have those day gone. When did I grow up and become so angry. When did I grow up and disrespect my parents. When did I grow up and smoked my first cigarette, my first joint, my first bowl. What happened to me along the way. I was so pure so innocent! Why cant i get that back, why?
Then I realize I have grown up and made my own choices. I put myself in my own messes no one else is to blame but me. Somethings I could not control but thats ok. I know through everything that I have been through in my life that God has been there for me. I might not always accepted that thought but God was always there for me!
Going into this New Year I have been positive. I have been creative and doing things I am not used to doing. I enjoy it. I have gained my independence back which I like. Rob i think feels that i have been distant but sometimes a person needs to breathe. I like time to myself and I decided this year I am going to get more of it.
Rob wants to join the Navy and i am fine with that. I think he doesn't really want to its confusing and i think this time I am mentally preparing myself for it. You know I have realized for last weekend that i am ok with out him. That life will be ok just knowing that I love him. Does that mean that i am not going to miss him when he is gone! no i am going to miss him but i think i know i can be ok.
We have issues but who doesn't and i think us as a couple trying to work through things physically, mentally, and spiritually will help. I am on board but I cant be the only one who wants to do it. He has to be willing to do it too and so far the only thing he has tried to do is the physical. He doesn't understand right now mentally and spiritually our relationship is failing, The love is there but some emotional and physical isn't. Thats on my part and thats because of how I was treated. I just wish he could see it.
That is another part of why i want to be little. Liking boys was easy, there was no sex involved just cute crushes. Loved those times :)
I get side tracked easily lol.
But my whole point is that I am not ready to grow up and i think that is why I have sabotaged a lot of things in my life. I wasn't mature enough to face them so I ran. What can I do different so I don't run this time. I tell myself I am done running but am I really?
Well till next time.......Peace
